The Bananaverse

I see now that sixty four thousand zeroes are too long an entry for lj to take. Thought you should know.

I am not generally one for forwarding this stuff, but I got this today and I thought I should share it. I know it’s lengthy, but that’s a lot of people. Here you go:

—————————
Hey everyone.

I’ve been following the news about the disastrous tsunami that struck southern Asia on Christmas. It really reminds you how incredibly fragile life truly is and how unpredictable life can quickly become.

As of December 28, 2004, the latest number of people to have lost their lives is over 64,000—easily making this the largest single-event natural disaster in hundreds of years. Worse, it struck many countries and communities that do not have adequate resources to aid their people, leaving the rest of the world to watch helplessly as these people deal with an increasingly bad situation.

But, are we so helpless? I don’t think this is true at all. Many organizations have jumped into action to aid devastated communities. The sad reality, however, is these organizations have limited resources as well. That’s where we come in.

I’m writing to urge everyone that reads this message to immediately help out by parting with some of your hard-earned cash and make a donation to an organization involved with the relief effort. Don’t just sit there. Do it now. Here are some web-links and phone numbers to various trusted relief organizations that desperately need help now:

Red Cross: http://redcross.org/ (800) 435-7669
Americares: http://www.americares.org/ (800) 486-HELP
Unicef: http://www.unicef.org/index.html (800) 4UNICEF
Mercy Corps: http://www.mercycorps.org/home/ (888) 256-1900
Doctors Without Borders http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org (888) 392-0392

Additionally, if you have an Amazon.com account already set up, they’re accepting donations through their purchasing system for the American Red Cross.

Also, feel free to forward this message to everyone in your email address book. That’s an easy thing to do—EVERYONE you know—let’s reach as many people with this plea as we possibly can. Do that right now (after donating yourself, of course).
Surely, you can do without that latte for a week or put off buying an accessory for your home or wait to buy the latest electronic gadget. We are fortunate enough to live in the wealthiest country in the history of the entire world. Send $1, $5—whatever you can reasonably part with. Stop reading and go donate now—these people have sacrificed so much—surely, you can sacrifice something small in order to help them.

As an experiment to help me personally fathom how big a number 64,000 truly is, I generated a bunch of o’s to represent each person who lost their lives. This email is immediately followed by that representation. I found it humbling.

Please help.

Fellow Citizen of the Earth

If you call someone, and you want to talk to them about some issue you
are having, and whatever you need requires that person to call you
back, it’s really not in your best interest to blow them off and tell
them to call you later or whatever.

Thank you, that is all.

Want Gmail? Lemme know. I gots the
mad hookup, yo.

Happy Boxing Day, if you’re into that sort of thing. I will need to be able to do that convincingly once Shrub shits on the last bits of the constitution and does away with that pesky term limit nonsense. It’s best to start practicing now. (:

I’ll tell you all about Christmas once I’m home. Ta!

So The Scoot and I had Christmas ourselves on Toosdee night. It was nice, he and I did just our presents to each other.

He got:

A sled for snowshoeing
A Columbia Sportswear shirt of happiness
A Mountain Hard Wear Jacket

I got:
R2-D2: Behind the Dome
H2G2: Deluxe 25th Anniversary Edition
A beautiful diamond necklace that I can’t find online to link to. It is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous.

Then we went to my parents. In La Grande we got a coffee mug and a tea mug by a local guy (which are super cool, IMO) and my brother got me a signed ROTJ graphic novel (omg the brothers hildebrandt signed it!) and some old SW comics, and some cocoa. He got a couple of CDs he likes very much, some tool stuff, and a sketchbook. We got my dad and wife a frame for their fishing pictures, a couple of movies (since they don’t really buy movies), a Michael’s gift card, and a jar of homemade huckleberry jam.

Today we had Christmas with my mom and her husband. I got the other half of the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse collection, a couple of jackety sweater things and Julius jammy pants woo! My jackety sweaters are cute too, I can actually use them I think! The Scoot got the super good ROTK, the animated LOTR dvds, and a sweater. They got a book about cellaring wine and a wine vacuum (since my mom isn’t really into wine), and my mom got a jar of jam and a crocheted top tea towel. For both of them was a picture that J.Ro did which I got a nice frame for. It was a HUGE hit.

More about the trip later. I’m blogging from a hotel room with free wi-fi. And now I MUST sleep. nighty night!

So teh Scoot and I were shopping today. I know, I know, we rode to wrath and to ruin and all of that loveliness.

He recently came to the conclusion that all he needed in life was a milk frother. Why, you may ask? Well that’s a very good question! He thinks it’ll stir cocoa. So he got one. I said he could get it if I could wrap it and he acted surprised, but no. So he simply HAD to try it. A cup of freshly stirred and partially frothed cocoa later, he said that it was indeed tasty, but the frother didn’t really ‘get going’ until he had it near the top of the liquid. I said you can’t froth milk from the bottom of the cup, dumdum! He proclaimed having no knowledge of milk and it’s frothier properties, so I had to explain that’s what makes a cappuccino a cappuccino, and he just rolled his eyes and sipped his somehow better tasting cocoa.

Ha ha, the joke is on him! I just tried it myself and used the last of the cocoa mix.

I’m off to wrap presents until the end of time.

PS: DJ Travy Trav’s party was fab! I had a lot better time than I should have for not knowing anyone but the hosts. They’re so cute, and I met some folks that I didn’t know. Yay!

I guess they won’t wrap themselves, so I loaded up the DVD player with a stack of christmas discs and we’ll see how it goes, I guess.

here’s what I’ve been up to lately:

* Went to a potluck slash exorcism last Sundee. Brought a hot dish. It
was nice, actually, and made me wonder why I decided to forsake
church. Then I remembered it’s because the church is of the opinion
that I am a second class citizen for having a vagina, second only to
EVERYONE I KNOW (teh g4y!!!!) as far as having a divine fastpass for
the gates of hell. Which is by no means a reflection on the man of the
cloth who did the job, who is a delightful human being.

* Work work work.

* Eating! Yesterday was goodie day at work so everyone brings stuff
in. I’ve been told that Verso’s Mom’s Cherry Jello is a hit. Someone
even had fourths!! He said I won, not that there’s a contest or
anything.

* Frantically trying to get the kitchen prepared for the new fridge.
Yay new fridge! Yay no more slingblade ‘mm-mm’ from the kitchen! Now
on to the new furnace!

* Losing my fool mind trying to finish xmas shopping. Lordy lordy.

Here’s hoping I survive.

Martha was last night, and it was actually fun! No STFU, some nice
drinking buddies, some nice raspberry vodka, and TWENTY ONE dollars in
the raffle. Yay! Keep in mind the first raffle was SEVEN dollars and
about five times as many people. So this was a WAY nicer Martha party.
Woohoo!

Check this out immediately.

I’m serious. This is beyond retarded, and I am appalled.

I’m not even the whole way through it yet, and when I read…

The National Change of Address Service (NCOA) is administered by the
U.S. Postal Service. Groups that subscribe to the NCOA can obtain
updates when a current customer makes a permanent change of address
request to the Postal Service. This is the one of the primary methods
by which companies obtain individuals’ addresses after they move.
Businesses can purchase the updates for as little as $5 per thousand
names. In order to purchase an update, the mailer needs the
individual’s name and old address. That is, NCOA is an update service,
and participants in the system agree not to use the information for
purposes other than refreshing their mailing lists.

Twice a month the USPS sends the contents of the NCOA to a number of
licensees (currently 18) who then sell the information to thousands of
direct marketing companies. A company pays a small amount of money for
a license, and the USPS does not gain much revenue from the sale of
information to these companies. ($56,000 in 1992.) The Postal Service
justifies the service as providing cost savings by reducing the amount
of “undeliverable as addressed” (UAA) mail.

…I thought my head might just explode. gah…

Hot off the presses:

Standard & Poor’s Equity Research reiterated a “strong buy” recommendation on McAfee (nyse: MFE - news - people ) as the shares sold off Thursday. S&P Equity Research said the market is overreacting to news that Microsoft (nasdaq: MSFT - news - people ) acquired Giant Company Software, a privately held anti-spyware provider. The drop in McAfee shares is “an enhanced opportunity” to buy, S&P Equity Research said. “Microsoft has a poor track record with security-related software, in our view, and benefits from its relationship with third-party security software providers such as McAfee,” the research firm said, adding, “McAfee’s better technology and broader suite of security solutions provide compelling value for customers.”

You know who said this? Some Mac site? Slashdot? A linux advocacy site? Nope.

It was Forbes Magazine.

Fri, 12/17: Goodie day at work. Make Jello, take Jello, eat a bunch there, come home, go to Martha’s Xmas show. Attempt some shopping inbetwixt, including but not limited to picking up an in-law gift.

Sat, 12/18: SLEEP IN. Wait for the boys to bring the shiny glorious new refrigerator home and move in to it. Find home for old one. Determine fate of current fridge accessories, including Moby-Wan Kenobi and a biohazard magnet. Go to DJ TravyTrav’s party for fantastic food and lovely drinkies. Still try to shop, but not very hard. Mostly wrapping. Attempt to begin homemade gifts for parents.

Sun, 12/19: SLEEP IN since I meant to yesterday and it didn’t happen. Hopefully hung over, still more wrapping, begin trip preparation for the expedition (safari?) to my native land. Probably wonder what’s for dinner. Make second attempt at homemade gifts in the name of getting to watch a movie.

Mon, 12/20: Back to work. Answer questions, find answers to questions, eat lunch, do more research, sort things out for folks, maybe last minute shopping, attempt and probably fail at making a Fags On Wheels appearance.

Tue, 12/21: (Still have to work, see 12/20) Leaving tomorrow. Pack and clean, clean and pack, figure out wtf we forgot to buy, try to have our own…..personal….christmas….

Wed, 12/22: Spend all morning in class. Spend afternoon in Wilsonville for class. Finish class, attempt I-5N on Xmas eve eve. Pray for rain. Assess traffic. Pray for rain of fire or frogs or whatever else will either get that guy off my ass or the guy in front of me out of my way. Get home. Thank gord for home. Pack up the subaru and leave home behind.

Thu, 12/23: Attempt rest. Fail. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Visit with my brother, play in the snow. Eat. Watch TV. Eat. Wonder why the TV won’t zap 30 seconds ahead. Curse the TiVo-less world of my family. Eat.

Fri, 12/24: Spend time with the fam, Eat. Try to rest and fail. Learn new yarn-based devilry from Dad’s wife. Open Padre Presents. Enjoy them. Go to bed about 8pm.

Sat, 12/25: Christmas! Hang briefly, head over the hill to see my mom. Open more gifts. Hang with more fam. Eat Cherry Jell-o. Eat dinner. Eat. Eat. Eat. Have my mom wait on me hand and foot (because she won’t do anything else, I’ve tried to make her sit). Wonder why I don’t do this every year.

Sun, 12/26: Head home since we have jobs. Drive cold miserable drive. Remember why I don’t do this every year. Get home, feel like life is back to normal. Relax.

Mon, 12/27: Work. Teh Scoot’s bday. Arrange for cake. Get more presents. Greet Sister Teh Scoot and husband and 3 kids coming from Alaska to visit for the week.

Tue, 12/28: Work. Work more. Give up and go home. Have time with family. Go to bed exhausted.

Wed, 12/29: Christmas with Teh Scoot’s fam. Open presents. Watch child heads explode. Eat. Spend time with fam. Go to bed exhausted.

Thu, 12/30: Wonder if I will ever get a nap. Work. Find myself incapable of focus. Give up and go home. Spend time with fam. Wonder how I will ever survive.

Fri, 12/31: Off! Yay! Sleep in. Sleep some more. Sleep awhile after that. Then rest. Hope this is enough to do the trick. Realize I’m high to even think so. Spend time with kids, being rambunctious and generally rowdy since I’m an aunt and my people can get away with such behavior.

Sat, 1/1: Well I survived. It wasn’t pretty, but I got it done. Now I will enjoy gifts and pack up my tree and bid family farewell tomorrow.

Oh yeah. And I have to still fill out some christmas cards, mail some, do a minimum of two more gift exchanges, take back the crap I didn’t want, make some gifts, wrap everything I bought, hopefully get another gelato very soon, keep reading my book, opening my chocolate advent calendar, make a minimum of one store trip for my family, and try to burn a couple of DVDs for people who have asked me for them. This is on top of all the other WIP I have at any given point.

If you don’t hear a peep by 1/2, avenge me….

Remember Hee Haw? There was some ad on for it earlier, you can buy some episodes from Time-Life now or something. All this stuff that I had forgotten was in my head!

…Where, oh wherrre, are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched all over and thought I found true love, you met another and pbhthththbh! you were gonne…

…saaaaaaaaaaa-luuuute!

…Gloooooom, despairrr, and agony on meeee, deep dark depression, excessive misery, If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all, gloom, despair, and agony on me…

and that fence that smacked the girls on the butt. DAMN those skirts were short!

So there you go. Happy fun flashback time.

Is it possible to get the kids from A Charlie Brown Christmas to come wave their hands around my house and make it all Christmasy? I’d appreciate it.

Dear _____,

I know all about you. I don’t want to, I assure you. In fact, I’m pissed at you twice: Once for being who you are, and once for being such an imposition on people I know that I have to listen to all this bullshit about you and invest time in listening to your latest appalling achievement.

I’ve had to listen to the drama surrounding your not insignificant drug habit, the excitement of your illicit affair with someone who’s married, and I’m not even going to mention your *stellar* employment record. Twenty-two days? Even Alan Thicke had a job longer than that! This all pales in comparison to your overwhelming charm.

You steal. From everyone. And when you aren’t being secret about taking things, you are being obvious about it. Not just petty things; we’re talking about defrauding the government. Do you really think I wouldn’t turn you in the second I thought it was possible? Nothing would make me happier than to give your family a very special Christmas gift: You. Hauled off in cuffs to cool your heels in the clink for the forseeable future. I know your family would be embarrassed, but only for a little while. They’d realize how much better off they are without you and hopefully that will be all it takes to make them see how toxic you have been for all these years.

What do I have to lose in this? Nothing. What do I gain? Several things. Time, since I don’t have to listen to this crap any more. Peace, since I don’t worry about people in your family now that you are out of the picture. Happiness, since I know that you can’t do anything to hurt any of these people while you’re up the river.

So fuck off, _____. Fuck all the way off. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I’ll even give you a 20 so you can fill the tank in your OWN car and get the fuck out. Just go. Nobody wants you here. You leech and you leech and once you’ve sucked out all that blood you replace it with poison. Leave. Now.

Nobody in your family wants to say any of this, since they are your family, for better or worse, and they love you and want what’s best. But I don’t. You aren’t my family. I want you to get every single microgram of the bad karma that is headed your way. I want it to come to you quickly and repeatedly, and in the shape of a Louisville Slugger.

I’m not sorry for you, so don’t play the fucking victim for me. You are not some hard luck case, done wrong by the system. You are a self-serving self-righteous self-centered cancerous growth on all humanity. Personified, you would be a boil on the ass, lanced with extreme prejudice. I don’t feel the least bit bad for you. You don’t seem to realize that you did this to yourself.. Nobody set out to destroy you except for you.

You still don’t get it, do you? I am not your family. I have zero interest in your personal well-being. I could care less about how sad it is that you blatantly lied about something hugely important in order to get a job and then have the unmitigated gall to wonder why they fired you. Don’t you know that random drug testing already sealed your fate?

I realize I’m using awfully big words, so let me try to break this down for you:

You are a waste of life. If ever I could see a case for justifiable homicide, it would be you. I want you to stop. I need you to stop. Your family needs you to stop. I’d say your friends too, but you don’t have any. Now hold still for just a second while I warm up my batting arm…

I love Mcsweeney’s.

Thank you. That is all.

So, my big news?

See if you can figure it out. OMGWTFBBQLOLABCTPSWOOT!!!!

I’m off to do more happy dancing, and then have a happy sleep and have a happy Friday.

I hope you do too!

Oh, and Lippy? I’ll probably change the color scheme. Just unclench a little and when I’m bored of it I will make it something else. Breathe deep, it’ll be fine.

Sophia: You want poetry, you listen to Neil Diamond. You want wisdom, you listen to your mother.

It’s true! She really is wise beyond her years! Wow.

eeeeeeeee!

Verso has some happy news, doo dah, doo dah
I can tell you really soon, oh doo dah day
Just found out toniiiight
I’ll firm it up tomorrow
Just you wait until you know, oh doo dah dayyyyyy

Seriously. File under: One More Good Thing To Balance Out The Bad This Year
Or, you can file it under H. For toy.

I’m off to sleep and do a happy dance. Probably NOT in that order.