The Bananaverse

Why is it that someone I know can get a job working on a newsletter who has to call around to find out what a Mac is (after claiming to be good with them!) but I’m coming up empty?

Maybe I can have that job when the truth comes out…

Where’s HIS Man In The Yellow Hat? Is it Cheney? Or is there not one because he isn’t the least bit curious?

Do you really think that making political hay out of lives lost in lower Manhattan two weeks before the Js got married is really a good idea? And how can you keep doing it? Those are people’s lives you are using to further your cause, and I’d bet quite a few of them, given the opportunity, would tell you to get bent.

Do you honestly believe that anyone listens to you when you say “We have 30 nations working together in Iraq”? We know it’s the US and the UK, and a few guys from Australia and a few other guys from other countries. Who are you kidding?

He actually just said “Military options should be the last option of a president, not the first.” AHHH! You weaselly little lying…liar! How does he say that with a straight face?

“We must always work with others”…ok, jackass, so fucking DO it. Work with others. Don’t hog all the good crayons stupid. Chill out and GET ALONG.

What the fuck does ‘div-iss-ive’ mean?

If we can’t win the War On Terra, then why did you fucking declare it? Did you see what a stellar success the War On Drugs was and wanted one of your own? Christ with a dimebag and a WMD, do you understand what it is you’re doing?

I think that’s my much larger question, does he understand? Additionally, how interesting is it that Cheney suddenly broke from the amendment thing AND confessed he has a daughter who is a lesbian and he wants to leave gay marriage to the states. I still think he’s a sleazy SOB but boy did that ever take me by surprise.

I just found this behind a stack of windows. I’ll post now. Enjoy.

ok, SO!

Why is it that the main character in a teen film (male or female) wants someone they cannot have, and that person tends to be an insufferable jerk? Blaine in Pretty In Pink, Maggie in Lucas, Amanda in Some Kind Of Wonderful, Jake in Sixteen Candles (even though he does in fact redeem himself), I know you know a couple of your own.

How come they can’t be people worth dating or loving? Why is it they are such bloody useless people? Is it the money thing?

This doesn’t mean John Hughes has lost his godlike status in VersoLand, it just means that I’m irked by some of his characters.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

Tim Russert just said that the five major players in the GOP convention (Juliani, Ahhnold, and three other guys I can’t remember) differ greatly from the party platform on gay rights, abortion, stem cell research and something else I forgot. Wow! I’m astounded by that. It was just impressive to hear that. Faxing now, I mean it.

Riddle me this, jackass:

* How can you say that the deficit is important and that you have to, as a candidiate for president, explain how you’ll deal with it, when YOU ARE WHY IT IS THERE?

* What sort of arrogance (I guess that answers my question already, huh?) makes you sit there and say you want to ’spread freedom and liberty’ and forcing democracy on people is NOT going to ‘promote ideologies of hate’? You are imposing your will on other people. Don’t say that Japan is a prime example because they aren’t exactly a democracy even still.

* coll-AB-ri-ter is not a word.

* Thank you Matt Lauer for asking the question I want to know: how can you piss away the goodwill we received after 9/11? Thank you. And thank you for not letting him wander off topic. Even though “I’ve made some hard decisions” is not any kind of answer.

* Yes dumbass, the world IS better off without Hussein. But can you still think that after looking families in the eye and telling them that YOU (and not Hussein, because honestly, who are we kidding?) are why they died?

I have much more to say on this, but I’ll save it for later. I need to go fax some people some resumes now.

so, it seems that all my skin is coming off.

I get a weird little welt. Then the welt becomes sort of blistery. Then the blister gets a small little scab on top. Then the scab starts to peel and takes a little round hunk of skin with it. Then I have a weeping sore that takes two days of a bandaid with neosporin to keep from oozing, let alone getting it to heal.

I have one on my toe, two on my chin, one in front of my right ear, five on my left leg and three on my left.

I don’t know if I’m going to wake up and be a giant crinkly puffy scabby thing or just finally turn inside out entirely.

WTF is wrong with me? Any ideas will be greatly appreciated. This is really starting to freak me out. I guess I’m off to scrub away the rest of my skin…

So, don’t you think that perhaps a “Catholicism Wow!” campaign isn’t necessarily a bad idea?

Considering the trials (not to mention tribulations) of the Catholic church of late, I think that maybe (just maybe) updating a tragically outdated doctrine or two might be a wise decision. It’s not like they’re signing up priests by the truckload or anything, and do you really think everyone going to church is avoiding premarital sex and never taking the Lord’s name in vain and swearing off birth control and condemning homosexuality?

Yeah, no.

So here’s the hangup I have with priests:

In the grand scheme of things. priests have had the ability to be married longer than they have been required to be celibate. At one point in the world, the only real hope for advancement was to become a priest. Anyone could, there was no real restriction on it. Soon (and this will take some imagination, in this day and age) there were more priests than anyone knew what to do with. And you have to be a priest in order to work your way up the ladder of holiness (bishop, cardinal, etc). Since they had this abundance of priests, they had to ratchet down the requirements for promotion. At that point the church decided (it would seem rather arbitrarily) that celibacy was “holier” than families or wives, so they had this one track for those who were married, and another track for those who weren’t. You could go higher if you weren’t married, since there were less married people at the time.

Here’s how it breaks down: Since there was clearly a profusion of priests at the time, doctrine was changed in order to better accomodate the needs of the church.

Why can’t it be possible that doctrine is changed again for the needs of the church?

I have a lot of things to say about a lot of things. I just don’t understand why things are the way they are. I would really like to have someone in a position to explain it to me-well, I’d like them to explain it to me. At least if they were allowed to be married maybe there’d be more priests, and maybe a lot less traumatized kids.

Just a theory from a fluffy west coast girl. I don’t really believe that anyone is going to call me up and tell me why this is the way it is, but I would really like to know. I’m a girl which means that the church puts almost as much stock in my opinion as that of gay people. Well, I suppose if you were a gay MAN you might even have more pull than me, after all, most priests are gay, right?

Sorry for being so catty. This is just what I think. No, I’m not sorry for being catty, this IS what I think, and if you don’t like it, too bad.

Even God has a sense of humor.

Just look at the platypus.

They re-ran the episode of the Daily Show with Clinton on it. I’m glad, it was an interesting interview with a smart man. Don’t quibble politics with me here people, you can’t buy your way into becoming a Rhodes Scholar (especially if’n you’re from ARKANSAS) no matter what your last name is (coughYalecough). Check this out-keep in mind the emphasis is mine:

(on the subject of the swift boat fuckers for revenge or whatever they are:)
They’ll do this stuff as long as they think it works. They’re running this ad against Kerry’s military record cuz they think it’s not good for them. I mean, Kerry went to Vietnam and President Bush and Vice President Cheney who are big hawks WERE LIKE ME, we didn’t go. ALL THREE OF US coulda gone and we didn’t and Kerry did, and it’s not good for them.

(then later he said)
Look what they did to Max Cleland in Georgia. Here Max Cleland left two legs and an arm in Vietnam and in 2002 they ran ads against him again he was being opposed by a man who LIKE ME AND THE PRESIDENT AND THE VICE PRESIDENT did not go to Vietnam, they ran ads comparing Max Cleland to Saddam Hussein because he didn’t vote for the homeland security agency bill exactly as the president had drafted it, and they treated him like a traitor. You know why he didn’t vote for it? Because the bill removed all Civil Service protections from 170,000 federal employees who had nothing to do with your security. So he said “I didn’t leave half my body in Vietnam to come home and strip 170,000 people of their job rights just for a cheap election year issue. But they beat him with it, and until we stop them, they’ll keep doing it.

I’m just really entertained because I think that could be the bit that finally does Cheney in forever, hearing Clinton compare himself to Cheney and Bush. Even with no heart problem it would probably kill him to hear that sentence. I didn’t realize that when I first watched this, and it entertains me to hear it now and wonder if anyone in that other party has heard it.

That’s all.

For those who aren’t yet aware, I got a fateful voicemail on Saturday last informing me that my employment was no more.

I remember being here. I hated it here. So the deal is this:

If you are able to produce a lead for me, I owe you a drink (or other small treat of your choosing).

If that lead turns into actual employment, I owe you dinner (or other slightly larger treat of your choosing).

Got it? Good. Now go. This is all the bribe I have. Get after it. (:

OK!

So first there was the Penney’s ad that had the kids dancing to the catchy as hell song in it (oh shut up!) for school clothes.

Then yesterday I saw another one for not Penney’s that was kids dancing around to some song.

Just now on TiVo as I flipped I saw another one still.

If all three of them are for different places, then why would they copy each other? “I want to go to the place where the kids are dancing around!” eeny meeny miney mo…

So why is it such a big goddamn deal what Kerry was doing when he was under 40 but we can’t talk about Bush’s drunken coke-laced cheerleader days? Why is that? This is bullshit. Anyway.

I’m off to clean like a motherfucker now, we’re going to be on the news tonight about getting ripped off. There have been developments on that front which I will inform you of later.

two random responses to my lj in the last two days. weird! Maybe someday my dream of becoming a force to be reckoned with will come true after all. yay!

OK, so Today is coming from Athens. Well, part of it anyway…Katie and Matt are broadcasting from Athens, and Al too, but not Ann. How can that even be possible? What is that conversation like? “We’re taking the big money talent, but we only have one more spot and we’ll take the WEATHERMAN instead of the NEWS ANCHOR.” wtf?

Now, there could be some kind of extenuating circumstance that I don’t know about, and that’s fine, but it just looks weird.

OTOH, they are interviewing the women’s softball team (US) right now, and it’s odd to see some of the most and least hot athletes I’ve seen yet all in the same place. Weird! But yay for the girls winning. I’m glad for them.

That’s all for now.

So there was a judging error in men’s gymnastics and they say that the US kid who got gold shouldn’t have gotten it, the gold should have gone to a guy from South Korea (who won the bronze). It really was quite the story (after the pommel horse where he bit it and landed on a judge’s table, he returned to win gold), and since he has the gold now, the US is saying “well you know, the judges make mistakes, it happens all the time” and “every competition given a video review would have different results” and basically saying they’re real sorry about the fact that South Korea is upset, but fuck em. Some say they should just issue an additional gold to this South Korean guy, some say they should strip Paul of his medal entirely and give it to the other guy.

I don’t know what I think about this since I haven’t heard a lot about what actually happened so I can’t say yes or no. What I can say is this: Would it be different if the US was contesting results that caused a South Korean to take the gold and leave us to a bronze medal? Would they say the same things? I just wonder.

(this post is not quite ready for the world, so if you see it sunday you’re a special friend of mine. aren’t you pleased?)

fired via voicemail is a really shitty way to go. especially on a weekend. a nice saturday afternoon otherwise, spoiled by a voicemail message from a company too timid to look me in the eye.

And so the hunt begins again. it only took 19 months last time!

le sob.

I really need a hug. If you’re local I’d appreciate it. Thanks.

This is also the entry where I call out for anyone with any kind of employment opportunity or perhaps knows someone with said opportunity to call me.

urgh. blah. eh.

!!!!!!
Virtually none of you will get this, but -

I was watching the credits on Elimidate, and they listed a producer (or whatever she was) as, and I kid you not-

MING

LEE

yeah.

can’t sleep. grrr.

my hip and knee hurt a lot and it’s hard to sleep.

OTOH, at least the bitches on elimidate are exceptionally bitchy tonight. Maye this will be worth watching.

I have discovered that there is a battery recall on 15″ powerbooks. And wouldn’t you know, I have one of the batteries. It’s like fate is saying this is not what I should have.

I love you J Dub. Even if you’re flawed. (:

AND!

My ticket is booked to California! This is great news for me. And it was good news until two coworkers started saying it in the most retarded voice imaginable (ah uhha innylaa! I dunno how to spell it really, but there you go) I’m so excited! This is going to be super fun I hope. It’s fun already because I told Rargirl last night that my ticket was officially booked and today she called me and when I said hello we had the following conversation:

R: Gimme a V!!
V: uh, V?
R: Gimme an E-R-S-O!!
V: E-R-S-O!!
R: I’m so excited you are finally going to visit!!

I’m so glad I get to go, and I’m so glad that I will be welcomed when I get there. I’m kind of having a crummy week so it’s nice to have a good thing going for me.

Plus (before I forget this) B.Diddy came up to me yesterday and said “You know, you put up with a lotta shit from a lotta people. You handle it really well-way better than I would. I’m proud of you.” That was EXACTLY the the thing to say. I was so glad to have someone realize I was doing anything at all.

Front Yard Auto needs a new girl in the ad. Did they fill her breast implants with helium? Jebus!!

WOW is elimidate mean tonight! Too bad they aren’t in Portland going to have a romantic dinner at Hobo’s. hee hee hee! But this guy is kind of a tard too. If I was the girl he picked I’d be like, yeah, that’s nice, but no. I’m off to see who wins…

Ooh! Ceramic hair thingies from Conair. Maybe I need one. But then I’d need someone to operate it. Sigh. I’m too retarded to operate that thing myself! I have serious hair issues.

Man was this entry ever random. Commercials are over. byeeeeeeeeee

You were just sitting there drinking coffee when it happened.

Sitting there in the coffeeshop, in front of your computer, probably reading some sort of innocuous email or playing some online game.

It happened so quickly I barely even realized what was going on, and by then it was almost too late. I was so surprised that it actually happened I almost couldn’t believe it. Even playing it back in mind I can’t quite be sure of what I saw. I have to admit, I’m a bit sad about the laptop, it was less than a month old, so new you hadn’t even changed the wallpaper on it yet. I doubt you’d even downloaded any porn.

There I was, just happening to be walking by, on my way to the train. I can’t imagine how I ended up at that intersection at that moment-I had to have wanted a bagel, discovered a buck and a half in my pocket, wanted it enough to walk up a couple extra blocks, purchase it, and turn to see you there. In that bloody coffeeshop with your pretentious cup of caffeine. You saw me there and I think you tried to catch my eye. Thank Gord I was thinking ahead and bought mirrored sunglasses last summer, it’s a LOT easier to watch people with mirrored shades on. You waved a sort of noncommittal wave that seemed like it could be aimed at me, and yet if I diss you maybe you were waving at someone else.

When the explosion hit, it felt like a giant hand was shoving me to the ground. I clutched my bagel tightly, some weird instinct making me hold tight to my breakfast which I can’t really understand. What was that bagel so important? What made me think THIS was what to hold on to as my body loses a battle with the physics of explosion? Dammit. I don’t have my jacket zipped up and this is kind of a thin top, I bet the rough sidewalk snags the hell out of my wonderbra. Why is this what is going through my head as I hurtle towards the ground?

What the fuck? OW! Yeah, my face and the sidewalk have a known incompatibility. Plus I bit my tongue and I think I got my tongue ring in the process. Wonderful. Why me? Why today? Ooh, dampness on my face…and nope, playing back the last few minutes I didn’t get a drink with my bagel so it isn’t coffee on my cheek. That’s gonna leave a mark.

Why did I come up here today? Was there some force at work larger than my hunger that led me to the Nordstrom cafe on this day at this moment to see you moments before (I’m just guessing here) pieces of you were most unceremoniously flung through downtown?

Luckily for me I was the only person in my immediate area-it’s still kind of early for commuters so nobody fell on top of me. I slowly got up and looked around to see what exactly was going on. Daaaaaaaaaamn. There’s a few other people picking themselves up off the ground like me, and have the same expression of dread and awe and curiosity. After all, none of us really believed this would happen here. We’re not New York or LA. All we have here that’s important is Nike and they’re a few miles west of here. What on earth does Pioneer Square have to do with being capitalist swine? And didn’t you learn last time to wait until after 9 so that you were hitting FULL buildings?

So many questions. Not an answer in sight. What in the hell? How can this be? What is that giant hole-oh my god, that’s where the coffeeshop was. I secretly wished that I would destroy all the pretentiousness you had that made you sit there in the first place, and I think that was one reason we never worked out, but I never meant it literally.

Well I’m certainly not getting to work today, they sure won’t let the train through after a spectacle like that. I’m going to sit here with my Palm and read a bit. Watch the excitement. Grab a table and sit waiting to see what happens. First come the sirens, with the satellite trucks close behind. They say “if it bleeds, it leads”, and looking across the street I realize there is more than enough lead to go around. I also realize that I’m not sad. I should be. I’m not. Is it the shock of being here that makes me sort of not notice? Then I realize why I’m not sad. I’m pissed! After all this Orange Alert and Taupe Alert and Beige Alert bullshit, nobody ever saw this one coming. It was Wall Street and the White House and IMPORTANT places, nobody ever thought it’d be someplace like here. Well it’s important to me, couldn’t you be fucking bothered to figure it out? Not even an unspecified west coast threat. Rumsfeld owes me a new Wonderbra, there is no question. And Ashcroft can pick up the tab for the matching panties, too.

I guess I should go, if I don’t get out of here soon I’ll be ambushed by EMTs trying to give me stitches or something and…well, maybe if I tell them I’m in a lot of pain I can get a Vicodin or two and maybe sleep the next couple of nights. This is going to stick with me for sure.

Turns out the narrator was who planned the explosion. As I got going my story took a left turn and I never could pull it back around, so I just went with it.