The Bananaverse

So here’s the deal.

I got a CAR. WOOOOOOO!

(hang on, I’m still not done happy dancing)

Ok.

(Nope, I thought so, but I was wrong.)

SO!

It’s a 2000 Mazda Protege and it’s all cool and has lotsa things like cruise control and power windows/locks and a CD player and cruise and air and and and….

It’s silver and has four doors. It’s so cute! I haven’t decided what to name it yet, I’m still figuring everything out. My last auto was a 1981 Grand Wagoneer named Beefcake, The Redneck Hooptie. I hope for something equally creative this time around.

I got it last Friday and I’m so excited about it that I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been DRIVING AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway. It’s cute and I’ll have pix up soon and blah blah blah. I love my car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I used a week’s worth of exclamation points in this post alone so I hope I don’t have any excitement next week since I used them all just now.

since I have the next two days off, it’s like this is my friday, so here’s a fun link for you. potentially nsfw, but if not then your boss really needs to lighten up:

http://www.fudmo.com/lolbutter.html

(:

(EDIT: I got this link from ZenMondo. While I have heard that it’s an old trick, I should give cred where there’s cred to be given. So here.)

How come when a television program does things like pay people lots of cash to eat grotacious things, it’s cool. So is marrying people ontv (or breaking them up or beating them up for that matter) it’s all ratings ratings ratings and it is fantastic and beautiful and glorious and everything?

Here’s why I ask-a definition for ‘pander’ (one definition is of a saucier nature, this is the other definition) is as follows: To cater to the lower tastes and desires of others or exploit their weaknesses: “He refused to pander to nostalgia and escapism.”

So how come making people eat pig guts or raw other bits of animal is ok, and watching Ron Jeremy trying to get along with Tammy Faye is ok too, but when it’s the radio where you can’t even see stuff, for starters (unless you watch the show on E!), and it’s the teeniest bit sexual at all, ooh, it’s all pandering and that’s bad bad bad!!!!!!!!! Cow intestine milkshakes are totally ok, and watching Vanilla Ice try to be a short order cook is ok, and watching a small person try to get a date is ok, but oh my god a boobie or whatever and who pray who will think of the children?

I guess I just want to know what the difference is between pandering a la reality television and pandering “designed to titillate” or whatever. Cuz, honestly, isn’t Temptation Survivor or whatever the hell pretty much the same thing by catering “to the lower tastes and desires of others”?

And why am I the only one I can find who is capable of having a reasonable conversation about this? Just like with gay marriage and with horrible things on TV, I can’t find anyone who can’t talk about this without like, foaming at the mouth or whatever. If J.Ro gets married to whatever dude he deems worthy, or Frog, or Nico-ragua or Jeff-A-Roni or TirkyJirky or anyone else from the Homodex actually gets hitched, how does that affect my marriage? I’ll tell you how: Maybe me and The Scoot will finally have another couple to do things with! Or me and J.Ro (if it’s not him that’s married). I mean, how is it that gay people getting married affects me? I’d think the Right (how can they be the Right when they are so very very wrong about oh, I dunno, say, EVERYTHING!?) would be down with that-if they are all pairing up with each other then they aren’t out recruiting which is their biggest fear isn’t it? I am of the opinion that if, for example, a girl were to hit on me, it’s no different than if a guy were to hit on me that wasn’t my type. Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t know why people are so offended, it isn’t like there’s the same outcry against Drrrrrinkman!!! or some creepy psycho stalker. Once again Wil has said pretty much everything I think. NOTE: Not like he reads my LJ, but Wil, the fact that you said what you said just sold another copy of your book (I was buying one anyway, but I’ll buy one more to help counteract the inevitable boycott).

Jebus but I’m ranty lately. I guess since Dennis Miller became a conservative lapdog someone had to take his place, right? (:

You know what? Fuck him. Fuck him in his stupid ass. Maybe he’ll like it and understand what all the hubbub is about.

How can it be possible that “the gays” are undermining marriage if they have never had a crack at it? You know who is undermining marriage? Britney and her 55 hours. Liz and her eight weddings (I mean honestly-that Larry guy?). That HALF of couples that call it quits. It has nothing to do with some good old-fashioned buttsex or my dear friend rargirl’s cravings for pussy that are so intense that she wakes up at night in a sweat (long story).

Why don’t you give them a chance to prove you right? Say “fine all you queers, go get married and then when you get all bored and divorced and realize that real life resembles Queer As Folk about as much as Reality TV resembles reality, we’ll do a very special Superiority Dance crafted especially for the momentous occasion of our rightness. Hit it Pearl!”

I mean honestly, why does he think this would be a good election year issue? Think about it! Every single one of them bitches would be registering for EVERYTHING. And we all know that no self-respecting queen would be caught dead at Wal-Mart (I didn’t say they didn’t go, I said they wouldn’t be caught. Pay attention). They’re getting good china, good silverware, they’re registered at Spartacus and Saks and Tiffany’s and Crate & Barrel and Sur la Table and Williams-Sonoma. These are not K-Mart people. And with the floodgates opened, there will be a huge influx of these folks doing it all at the same time. If everyone I know is getting married, I gotta buy a LOT of gifts. Gifts cost money-especially when you shop at any of those stores I mentioned. And that, kids, will solve the economic issues this country is currently facing.

I mean, Christ with a platinum card, how hard was that?

I can’t find a single person who can tell me why this is a bad idea without mentioning a higher power or just getting into a big fat Freeper foam over the whole thing and scaring me. It’s a bad idea that the state is who has to do this in the first place. It’s all semantics-’marriage’ implies church, where ‘civil ceremony’ does not. See the difference?

Am I the only one who thinks that Oregon is going to stand firm on this after all the bullshit Asscroft (no that’s not a typo) tried to pull with medicinal marijuana and state’s rights? Why is it that the rules are only heeded when it suits your own purposes? Doesn’t anyone realize what the deal is? Don’t you care?

Gah. I’m all ranty now. I believe the word is ‘grunyo’.

Please go to Grey Tuesday and check this out. I think it’s brilliant and it needs to happen more.

After watching King George on tv this morning (that Today show interrupting motherfucker!), I have SO much to say. You have no idea.

Heh.

So…

This scares the crap out of me and I’m currently only about halfway through it. Oh. My. God.

More from Verso soon, I promise.

Please oh please oh please do this.

In short:

Flowers On The Bay, 888.217.9119 is taking phone orders to deliver a bouquet to anyone waiting in line at SF City Hall to get married. Please read the post for background info. Call and send some flowers to someone. A little karma never hurt anybody. (:

Teh Scoot took me out to Tad’s for dinner last night. yum!!! It was tasty and delicious. And I got some candy and a card. Yay again. It was nice. I’m glad we did it. Something made me get him Red Hots but I don’t know what. He doesn’t particularly like them, I guess, but I thought he did.

Anyway we had a nice time. (:

This woman just called. She asked me, among other things, the following questions:

* You’re where? (me: We’re located in Portland, Oregon.) Where? (me: Oregon?) How do you spell that?

* So if I sell my CD for $18 and you guys take $4 each, how much do I get paid?

* When you say website, is that a computer thing?

God dammit.

And again, god dammit.

Star Wars DVD set in September.

But Verso! You love Star Wars! Nobody will play your Trivial Pursuit: Star Wars edition with you because you always win! You went to New York just to see the Star Wars exhibit! You speak Jawa and you read the books and you know stuff about the OT that nobody has any right to know including Lucas! These movies inspire passion and rants and raves in you like nothing else can! Why are you seeming so unhappy?

Because he has yet to say that they are the original versions. Or that they are the special editions. Or if we’ll get both or not or what.

Here’s the deal: I am opposed to the Special Editions. Not because they’re new, not because of any of that stuff. I oppose them because major plot points are changed with a split second of added footage here or removed footage there. Granted, anything on earth that makes that horrible “yub yub” song at the end of Jedi disappear can’t be entirely bad, but on average it’s not ok.

I won’t go into specifics, because that’s a longer post than I care to make right now. Just know that I’m hoping he takes a note from Spielberg. When ET was announced, he said the original was only going to be available in the ultra limited whatever the hell 75-bucks-a-whack edition it was. Enough people were really unhappy about that, and said so, (and here’s the trick) and HE LISTENED to them and released both versions on one DVD. It was like 20 or 25 bucks. He realized what should happen and he made it happen. I wouldn’t have bought it, and I won’t buy a DVD box of The Trilogy if it’s SE only either. So now I have to let everyone know NOT to buy it for me, because if I wanted it I would buy it myself that day and I don’t want it if it’s not original. So there. I’m off to rant about other stuff now. Checkin da email…checkin da email…

I’m at work. Blah. well, I’m taking a bit of a break from the whiny email bitches.

Why do you feel you need to threaten me to get me to do a simple thing? Honestly.

Anyway. My hair is down today, it’s appearing to behave. I need someone not afraid of hair gel to really wail on it one day just to see what happens. Maybe me and J.Ro will do that tomorrow if’n he’s bored.

We might car shop too. It’s pretty tempting to drive a new Kia off a lot someplace. I need to do more research though. I’m going into this battle armed. Leo says he’ll go with me, and I might just take him up on that. He says he LIKES car shopping. I knew there had to be something wrong with him, and now I know what it is. That’s a little screwed up and now I understand why he likes me. Well, how he can like me…he seems pretty regular in a lot of other respects.

I need to have more arts in my life. Writing and music and theatre and joy. Yeah. Flexing my brain is fun and i need to do it more. Like now, I guess, to send more replies to people not smart or enterprising enough to read things.

* I’ll clean my butthole, then go to the disco.

* It’s all about the hugs and biscuits!

* wind being broken

* My butthole is paved with hugs and biscuits!

* May ah please have the custard fart?

I have several thoughts on this:

It’s a boobie. Boobies are not inherently bad. It’s not like it’s “gateway porn” and soon you’re going to be on to hardcore fetish videos or something. There’s nothing so wrong with a boobie.

J.Ro got it right: It isn’t like I never saw a boobie before during a football game, it’s just that this time it was attached to a girl, like they should be, instead of a guy covered in blue paint holding up his John 3:16 sign. And at least it was a nice boobie.

If you don’t let your kids watch eMpTyVee or you just don’t get it, and it is the eMpTyVee Halftime Show, how are you going to act all offended that your kids saw something they shouldn’t see? At least Nelly uses enough slang that maybe if they don’t know what it means your kids can’t figure it out.

I’d be a lot more comfortable with my kids seeing a boobie than with them seeing an explosion or a commercial for a drug that cures ERECTILE DISFUNCTION! Stop and think. Jebus.

Why are some things conveniently ok? Like, say, the fact that there was part of a boobie on a tv show, and that is so very very very wrong, but it’s totally ok to use a boobie to sell me, oh, I dunno, say EVERYTHING ELSE IN ALL THE WORLD!!!! Why is that just fine? Chicks in teeny bikinis (how those two words rhyme I still can’t figure out) lay all over cars or beers or guys with cars or beers or whatever.

I don’t care. I haven’t in some time. I didn’t even care then! All I really got out of this was the phrase “wardrobe malfunction” which describes-well, my entire wardrobe. But I’m working on that.

“Seek not the favor of the multitude; it is seldom got by honest and lawful means. But seek the testimony of the few; and number not voices, but weigh them.”
- Immanuel Kant (1724-1804)

I just got off the phone with a woman who read me a poem of hers about snow and nature and stuff. It made my day. I don’t know how “good” it was or whatever, but I really liked it and I really like her so it was a very pleasant thing for me.

Can’t sleep. What compels me to follow those two words with “clowns will eat me”?

Just how much does Buddy Cole rule? I’ll tell you! So much that I would almost consider dumping J.Ro for him. (oh hush. I said *almost consider*, just relax)

He’s on this show, “Out On The Edge” on Comedy Central. He just said:

* Someday if they ever actually legalize gay marriage, it might get so common that even good looking gays will get married.
* If the US figures out that legalizing gay marriage cures activism, it’ll pass like that!
* Good thing there was no gay marriage 10 years ago, or I’d be the grieving Mrs. Uday Hussein!

I love him so much.

Almost as much as Alan Cumming in that kilt he’s wearing…I can’t tell if it’s leather or latex and I don’t care! Why must he be of your people and not mine? The other night on Chappelle’s Show they had the racial draft. I want a sexual preference draft. Then I could just be done with a LOT of things.

A “dry marriage” is apparently what me and J.Ro have.

hahahahahahaha!

Jon Stewart just said: As you know, Puxatawnee Phil came out of his hole, looked around, and saw Janet Jackson’s breast. Yup. Heh.

Lester Bangs just said “The only real currency we have in this world is what we say to each other when we’re uncool.”

He is so right.

I am ***so*** uncool.

Too bad that isn’t the kind of currency that will buy me a big gulp.