The Bananaverse

Scott has not said anything to me since I left this afternoon with Jeffro to go to the mall. His parents magically appeared and we sat to visit with them, and twice he said that the mall was going to close and if we were going we should go, so we finally went, even though his parents were still here. Just before we left he told me not to leave his cd cases on top of the stereo anymore, and I told him that I hadn’t meant to, he’d told me not to before and I set it there temporarily in order to look through the DVDs for something, and he proceeded to lecture and bitch at me IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS. Then he set it in the front of the cabinet IN FRONT OF the dvds already there, so it leaned on them a little. I asked him to move it to the side where there were no movies so it would lay flat and he absolutely refused. I just sat there and took it. What could I do? They aren’t my parents. So then when we left I moved it for him. I didn’t want it there because it bothers me that leans on the dvds because it dents the plastic on the cases, which is why I stopped doing that. He got pissed that I moved the case (it’s a fucking CD case, remember) and said “You know what?” and I said, yes, I know that the cd like that leans on the cases and dents the plastic and the dents don’t go away, so that’s why I don’t like it sitting there. He gave me the world’s most horrible look and I just gave up and left. He was here when we got home and said nothing. He just sat in the bedroom and watched tv. We didn’t even know he was here first of all, and then he didn’t talk to us or even act like we were here. He went in the kitchen for something and went right back in the bedroom. I said hi and he ignored me. I am hoping he just didn’t hear me but I can’t guarantee it. So now I feel bad because I have a feeling he’s mad at me, but I’m also sort of pissed that he can’t just say he’s mad or come yell at me or something. I can’t read his mind. I’m afraid of what this sort of thing is going to do to us. I am really tired of just having to take it like this, but as soon as I defend myself it just escalates. But it’s not fair that I should have to back down every time he decides that there are different rules or treats me badly or something. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. It isn’t fair, but it isn’t productive to spend THAT much time defending myself. I can’t give up, it’s not in my nature, but it’s not in my nature to just suck it up like this either. And since neither of us has a job we certainly can’t afford therapy or anything. I’m going to keep this stuff in the back of my mind though and fax people like a motherfucker until I’m out of the house on a real job. I feel really beat down lately and it sucks. I can’t really talk to Scooter about it, and I can’t really talk to anyone else about it either. I am hoping to find an outlet for all of this, but I don’t know that I have one just yet. So here I sit, in the middle of the night, typing in my diary about it. I think I’ll just go to bed and cry now.

Yes, I got an oven finally. Fourteen months after Scooter dismantled the old one in the name of ‘cleaning’ and never put it back together and after leaving all the parts kicking around the garage for a year discovered that some of them needed more repair than when they came off the oven and he has to put it back together anyway if we want to sell it, so I don’t know what his deal is. Either way it gets reassembled and I just wanted my old one back which would have been less money but I guess it doesnt matter anymore, I have one now. I’m so sad about the other one, though, it was the cutest little retro stove and it was so neat. He said it was because he was tired of being the butt of every joke, but if I hadn’t turned it into a joke then I would have just stomped around here in a rage for a year and that’s just not healthy. Fourteen months. I could have had a new stove a year ago is what this boils down to.

I’m sort of sad about the stove because I told Scooter that I just wished he’d consulted me or asked me about it instead of just announcing to me that we were buying a stove. That made me sort of upset, I mean, if it was *his* truck or *his* stereo or *his* computer then I wouldn’t care, but it was something that was ours, not just his, or just mine, something that we both use that impacts both of us directly, and he made a decision about it. That sort of made me upset, but when I told him about it the whole conversation became a discussion of fully non-related issues. That went well. Anyway. I got a new stove and I should be excited about it a lot, but mostly I’m sad about the old one. I tried to really be happy and look forward to it being here, because that way I wouldn’t be so sad about the old one, but then Scooter just kept wondering why the hell I was so excited about a stove, so I finally told him and that didn’t make it any easier. So now I have to figure out what to do with the stove I have. I guess we’ll sell it. I am sort of ambivalent about stuff now, though, so I guess I’ll just give up and go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow my perspective will have changed.

SO! Me and Jeffro had a mutual birthda party yesterday (Saturday), where we invited a buncha people over to have cake at my house. We had a good time. We got a veggie platter and some soda and we had TEN people here, all at the same time, and they all enjoyed themselves. I invited someone I know who used to spend a lot of time with Scooter, so he even socialized with us for awhile. It was so much fun! I didn’t feel obligated to do anything, I just offered some drinks and I had some cake and talked to people who came over. Jeffro and I had the best time with everyone, and people showed up that I haven’t seen in ages, so it was neat to see old friends too. We kept saying that if three people showed up we’d wet our pants, and we got five people EACH. It was so cool to just hang out. I don’t see a lot of people outside of the bar setting anymore, so it was cool. Then we went downtown, and danced and got sweaty and ran into some others we knew and it was sort of fun because they were making a big deal about us too, so it was fun. But then we went to the Roxy after last call. It was packed, and service wasn’t very good, and by the time my food came I had forgotten what I’d ordered, not to mention being totally over that whole hungry thing. That kinda sucked, but we just won’t go there anymore when it’s late. (:

I actually got some presents too! I got a Spongebob CLIP-ON lip balm and Princess Bride special edition DVD from Jeffro, and a Muppet Show dvd and U2 CD from Traven, and a cool bubble blower thingy and some silly putty from Chris and Scott, and Sean brought some liquor to us, and Jeffro got cool things too. I got him a Badtz-Maru watch, and Traven bought him a special edition Pet Shop Boys CD, and he got a bubble thing and silly putty too, and all in all we had a really good time. I was glad to get to see people and I was glad that they all liked the cake I made in my BRAND NEW OVEN! I’ll write more on that later. (:

I think I must not be in very good emotional shape when a guy on TV tells his wife (on a soap, for sobbing out loud!) that he married a helluva woman and kisses her and that causes me to feel fundamentally alone even as my husband works on some house related project outside. I think I’d faint if I actually heard something like that come out of Scooter. Once he told me I was a real sport, and once he told me I was a trooper. I wish he knew that hearing that made all the difference. I’ve tried, but I don’t seem to be able to get it across.

Hit this link:

http://wolf.webcruiser.org/index.php?iam=Shafreaqua

cuz I needs me the pimpin, yo. (:

k, thanks, that is all. (: