The Bananaverse

Why is it that I can find Photoshop or even Windows more easily than I can find a job?

Hank Stack, the guy who signs the news in the morning on channel 8 passed away. They just talked about him on the news, but they never said anything about all the things he did for the gay community. They mentioned it on the web story, but not on the news. Too controversial that he did good things for others too?

I don’t know what to do with Blogger yet. I think I just want to get my domains humming and then get my Movable Type on.

Why did Days have to suck so much? It was doing ok, but these twins and this crap with Tony and the quasi drama that is the Brady/Dimera feud are starting to piss me off. I hope this is just because there was a new writer switch and they are trying to clean up old storylines. I may give it up if they don’t start doing something interesting. Most of their fans get hooked in the summer, why don’t they do something good? Passions is starting to shake things up, that’s pretty cool to watch, actually. How sad is that? Passions of all things is more fun to watch than Days.

I started trying to eat better today. I had a SlimFast in the morning and a Wendy’s salad for lunch. I’m hungry. So very, very, hungry. I’m afraid my tummy will gnaw off my arm in the night.

How come I can’t get underoos in my size?

I think I’ll wear my cranky pants someplace else now.

Tonight was a Martha taping. I’ll get into detail later. I had a couple of drinks with a bunch of people and we had a really good time. It was nice to get to hang out with people again. I’m considering offering my house for a taping since it’s not so bad to make noise after 10 on a Saturday night or whatever. Plus I don’t care if you drink in my hallway. (:

I’m off to bed now. JeffRo and I had fun today, goofing off and stuff before we went to the show. We went to Ross and Mervyn’s on a quest and it was amusing. JeffRo and I can make anything amusing. It is sort of scary. G’night…

…Bring me my bullets and I will fire.

That’s a line from a song by Depeche Mode called Told You So. That line always stuck with me, I just thought it was really vivid imagery and I love that in a song. Anyway. Moving on…

I understand that some people do not like confrontation. I can respect that, I don’t really know anyone who goes around saying “yeah! hook me up with some confrontation! woohoo!!” because nobody likes it. But some people are afraid of it, like it’s bad to have it out with someone over something. You know, it can be good for you. Jeffro and I were having an issue, and I confronted him. I didn’t want to, it just worked out that way. And Jeffro, being much like me, was able to deal with being confronted, and the issue he was being confronted about. It was mostly my issue and everything, but he dealt and I dealt and it all worked out. I didn’t want to do it, but I wasn’t afraid and neither was he, and frankly I think we’re better off for it, since we went there and we’re still speaking. (: I don’t look forward to one of those ‘we need to talk’ kinds of events, but they happen. They have to. I am not your psychic friend. I can’t pop your head open and have a look around just to be sure we’re on the same page. Since this is the way it is, I have also been confronted by people. Treat me like a human being. It’s easy to overreact and accuse someone of being mean, especially if they are saying something that you don’t want to hear. Not everything unpleasant is unwarranted. I like to think I’m approachable in this regard. “You know what? When we were (activity)ing, and you (something)ed, it really hurt my feelings.” OK. Cool! Now I know that I shouldn’t do that anymore and we’ll get along even better. How is that bad?

This is why I don’t understand people who actively avoid confrontation. If you do that, nobody will ever know anything about you, because a picture of someone that is only the good stuff is not a representative picture at all. Not to mention that virtually everyone who actively avoids confrontation is usually a master of The Passive-Aggressive Game. I don’t like this game. In fact, If I knew I was going to play this game, I would have never showed up in the first place. I’ll just take my bat and ball and go home, thanks. If you don’t tell me what’s up, how can I know that I hurt your feelings? If you don’t explain to me your issue, how can I avoid it in the future? Look at this selfishly: If you tell me that you don’t like it when I make this kind of joke, and I stop because you asked me, you are better off. See?

If you think this is about you, it isn’t. No matter who you are. The people in question aren’t even online. They probably don’t even know I keep a blog. I just needed to get this off my chest. It was heavy and I needed to unload it.

Thank you, that is all.

I am currently plotting to have the earth on the other side of my fence salted so that nothing may grow there again, which would mean that nothing would grow through the fence on to my side of it where I have to pull whatever mysterious growth pokes through. rarrrrrgh.

I realized recently that I have met some of my best friends through some of the worst people. Not that I know axe murderers or anything, but I was thinking about how I know some of the people that I know, and it’s through some people that I was never really the best friends with anyway. It lends weight to my ’something good always comes from something bad’ theory.

Recently Bambi told me that she has noticed that each time I get shafted jobwise I end up someplace better. That makes me feel good, and it was nice to realize that someone else had faith in me even when I didn’t. Once again I find myself with an excellent support system. I just wish I didn’t need so much support sometimes…

It has somehow become my duty in life to serve in the capacity of fag hag for a select few men who do not bat for my team. If you are not yet familiar with Margaret Cho then drop everything and go rent “I’m The One That I Want” from your friendly neighborhood video rental outlet. Do so forthwith!

Forthwith is such a great word. So is hence. I got in trouble once in English and got points docked off a paper I wrote for using the word ‘hence’. It wasn’t like I said it wrong, like ‘hencemen’ or something. I used it correctly and got docked. However, the epic saga of my Junior English teacher is an entry for another day. Hence is a great word. Anyway. Go rent Margaret Cho, go buy the new CD, get tickets to the new movie, do what you have to do. And do it NOW. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Oh good, you’re back! anyway! SO!

I am a fag hag. Fairy Godmother, fagnet (my personal fave), whatever. That’s me. I serve as a friend, confidant, drinking buddy, and most of the cast of the Love Boat. I’m Isaac, mixing drinks and advice under a hip happenin hairdo, I’m Julie, directing the ship’s entertainment, I’m the guy from Married With Children as the ship’s photographer, I’m Doc Bricker, dispensing advice of the medical variety (just ask jeffro), and Captain Stubing, making sure the ship gets everybody where they’re going, and sometimes inviting people to sit at my table for dinner.

This is good and bad. I love having so many girlfriends, but at the same time, I need someone sometimes who can actually sympathize when cramps set in and I ache from my nipples to my knees, wanting nothing but a chocolate IV and a nice hole in which to crawl. I really like having someone to paint my toenails with, but I really miss some of the things that you can really only do with another girl. (no, not naughty things, god.)

What I’m really trying to say is that I miss Bambi with all my heart. Some days more than others, but when I see a cool Wham! related item on ebay, or Careless Whisper comes on the radio, or I see a stuffed sheep or buffalo in the store somewhere, I miss her even more than usual. Bambi is like me in a lot of ways. We both like Wham!, we both don’t really have other girlfriends (who aren’t gay men), we’re both super fag hags, consistently performing above and beyond the call of duty, and we understand each other really well. She’s far away now, and I wish that she wasn’t anymore. I’m glad her job is awesome, and it’s so so so nice to see her work ethic finally acheive something when she got denied for years, and I’m terribly happy for her because she always works hard and this time someone noticed. I’m sad it had to happen in Utah though. I was a mess for about a week after LipLash and Bambi left. I was so unbelievably sad. They filled in pieces of me I didn’t even know were missing. They gave me reality checks and made me see that I wasn’t always the one that was wrong. They held on to my sanity while I tried to plan a wedding as I got no help from my parents, who were in fact suing each other at the time, and did so in a year when everybody was trying to get married. They singlehandedly prevented me from becoming Bridezilla. They made me laugh when I was sad, made me soup when I was sick, hugged me when I thought my world was coming apart, and so many other little stupid things that didn’t seem important then, but when they are gone are sure a big effing deal. I’m sad that they are gone, but I’m glad they are doing ok where they are now.

Luckily I have Jeffro. I’ve written about him before, but it’s all true. We scare the hell out of me sometimes, and him too (check his lj sometime, he’s meanwhilepdx). But we laugh a lot, and we do cool stuff, and we like the same things, and more importantly, we hate the same things, and don’t get along with the same people. It’s sort of how LipLash and I became friends. JeffRo makes me feel better a lot of the time, and he even does it when he has his own stuff going on. I keep my eye on him as best I can, and he does the same for me. I would have been a danger to myself and others while Scooter was gone if it wasn’t for Jeffro and his days off and stuff. I’m not working now, which sucks, but if I get the job I interviewed for, I’m fully going to do something awesome for JeffRo. I don’t know what yet, but I’ll work it out somehow and find a way to show him how fundamentally he is appreciated and loved. I’m really glad he fell into my life and I don’t know what on earth I’d do without him. Actually I do know, and it’s best I don’t go into any detail, it took a long time to get those court records sealed and I’m not supposed to discuss it.

Went and saw Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood tonight with Jeffro, cuz it was too freaking hot at my house. It was a good movie, and my house is the same temperature now as it was when I left. So at least I got the hell out for a couple of hours. Still unfortunately warm in here, though. blah. Anyway. This was a pretty good movie, but it totally reeled me in at points. I didn’t mean to be, and I could hear the little voice in my head going “what are you doing? it’s just a movie!” but I couldn’t help myself. I got sucked in and really cared about all these people. Then I realized it was a good thing that they were able to do this. I’m a pretty jaded moviegoer anymore, and this was nice to see. It had more than one girl! I was impressed right there. So if you get a chance, check this out. I had a moment where it dawned on me that the effed up childhood in this movie could very well be my own if my parents had decided to stick it out. I think I’m better off as a person that they split up, and I hope that someday I have the cojones to ask one of them why and just how it all came apart. It makes me sad that it happened, but mostly I think the sadness is because nobody bothered to tell me about it. My dad just didn’t live with us anymore. I think it was harder on me than on my brother because my brother was so young that he doesn’t even really remember my parents ever being together, let alone happy. I do. And that is the part that sucks. They were at one point capable, but no more.

My mom just celebrated her anniversary, and mine is coming up, so I had this stuff on my mind before the movie. I have thought a lot about family and what it means to me lately, and I think I have a definition that suits me. I wish I could make other people understand it too.

I told Scooter today that part of why I like Everybody Loves Raymond so much is because it is a peek into my future. He doesn’t see it, but I said that his mom and Ray’s mom are a lot alike, so it’s like seeing my life now, but funnier. *That* went well. It’s true, though. Even with all the stepchild things she is upset about with her granddaughter, she does the same sorts of things to me. It makes me sad. My family is understandably excited about Scooter, he’s smart and interesting and about as normal as I am freak-on-a-stick. They think he’s a huge step up, probably, even though they know me pretty well and figure you have to be at least a little off to have anything to do with me in the first place. I think his family either isn’t sure how to take me, or they view my freakitude with fear. I’m not one of them, I don’t do things their way. I don’t think I ever will. But I want them to like me. I want to enjoy their company and be accepted, at least. I mean, I got a new last name and everything, what more do they want? Mostly it just makes me sad. I told Scooter that I could either lose sleep and sweat it and stay up worrying a lot about my relationship with his family, or I could choose to accept it with a sense of humor, and I chose the latter. But mostly it’s the first one. I’m sad, because I make friends easily enough, and I think I get along with lots of people, but it’s like I can’t do anything right for his family. And as much as I want to have the full-on sense of humor reaction, mostly I just get sad and wish I knew the password to be accepted. I see this infomercial ad for old Johnny Carson episodes on tape, and there’s a clip where George Goebel (I think) says “You ever get the feeling the world is a tuxedo and you’re a pair of brown shoes?” That’s how I feel around Scooter’s family. I’m brown shoes. Add to that the fact that it makes me miss my own family and wish that we could hang out with them sometimes too, and you get a whole big pile of VerSadness.

Jeffro, I think it’s time for those fries.

So we’re in the middle of Gosford Park and we’re discussing poison, since there’s so much of it in the house. By we I mean JeffRo, Ukiah, and my new as yet to be named friend. Here’s what we came up with:

-I can’t believe it’s not poison!
-Poison. Parkaaaaayyyy….
-Crystal Poison.
-Diet Poison. Just one calorie, not quite poison enough!
-Poison One
-Diet Dr. Poison, tastes more like regular poison!
-Vanilla Poison
-Cherry Poison
-Shaken, not poisoned.
-Poison Crush
-Poison Up
-Poison in a big red pitcher that busts through walls: HEY POISON!!!

This is the part where I pipe up and I mention that I just think it’s terribly entertaining that you can buy slug and snail death. You can go to the store and buy death in a box. That’s pretty cool.

Thank you. That is all.

So I went to dinner with Ukiah (a friend of mine from back back back back BACK in the day) and I was telling him some story and I said that at the time it was easier not to make a scene. He said “WAIT a minute! Not make a scene?! YOU!?!?!? Honey, do you *know* you?!?!?!” I laughed really hard and of course I was loud and echoed throughout the restaurant which proved his point precisely. (:

Moments ago, here at my house, he asked me my thoughts on Episode 2 and I told him what I thought and then I explained what I had heard about JarJar really just being a beta test so they could see if they could even pull off this thing with Yoda in Episode 2, and I said “Actually, JarJar had a larger purpose. He was created to-” “Destroy the universe?” “No, actually, he was created to rip a hole in the fabric of space/time to….” (much giggling) “to allow Terminator 3 to be made!”

Ukiah got the giggles and told me I should post it. So here you go. Now it’s posted. (:

If you know me well at all, this will make you go “duh!” If you are going “duh…who?” then you need to pay more attention. (:

Which Sanrio character are you? by woofiegrrl

So today was the fourth of july…I know it’s late so it isn’t anymore, but anyway. I was supposed to have a sweetie now and I don’t. He was going to come back with me yesterday when I came home, but he doesn’t come back till next Tuesday now. I don’t want to do this anymore. Go back to my entry just before I left. All of that is still true. It didn’t help much that he wanted/needed to work the whole time either. I got to go to New York City on Sunday, and Six Flags New England on Saturday, and I got there Friday, and Monday and Tuesday I just sat in the hotel. I didn’t get to do much except hear from Scooter that he had to work. That made me sort of sad. But this isn’t about that. I was supposed to be here with him and I’m not, so I had to try to find something to do today. I had a new friend and J.Ro and ChrisR over. It was lots of fun, actually, I was glad to do a low key thing today, and then later another friend invited me over to explode some things with the neighborhood kids. It was cool to see the excitement and joy over fireworks from a 12 year old perspective again. I miss that. And then I realized just how long ago that was for me, and it made me a little sad. But I was happy that I got to see it again. Now I’m off to bed alone, and it sucks, but you know that already. I have other entries I wrote up while I was gone, and I’ll try to get those in here soon. I’m yawning too much to do anything useful at this point. g’night.