The Bananaverse

I’m finally in Connecticut as I was supposed to be. It took like 12 extra hours, since there were thunderstorms up and down the east coast so they axed like, all the flights. So I spent ten hours at the airport in Detroit. Of all the places to be trapped, I was trapped in this nightmare of a place. It was thesuckingest suck that ever sucked. I got no sleep and I was miserable. That will put a kink in the jet lag now, since all I want in life is sleep even though it’s only 9:30 in my land. I’m feeling better since I’m actually here, but I’m sad because it should have been last night instead of this morning. I’m grumpy about this whole ordeal now, and I’m afraid of going home because I don’t want it to be worse than going out. I can’t spend ten hours in another miserable place. I’m off to bed now. bye!

Tomorrow I leave for Connecticut. I’m excited about the going, but I am not excited about the airport. ANY of them. And all those questions! It sucks because it seems that they just pick the same three people. Last time I went somewhere, the people they would pick for ‘additional screening’ always said “I don’t want to be uncooperative, but this is the (way more than twice)th time that I’ve been singled out..” You would think that whatever system they put in place to additionally screen people would also flag them so you don’t get them again. What good is it to screen the same three people a bunch of times? Shouldn’t you screen like 12 or 15 or more people? That’d be my guess. George Carlin said it best, before It Happened, but he’s still pretty right on, so I’ll shut up and leave it to him:

I’m getting tired of security at the airport, There’s too much of it. I’m tired of some fat chick with a double-digit IQ and a triple-digit income rootin’ around inside my bag for no reason and never finding anything. Haven’t found anything yet. Haven’t found one bomb in one bag. And don’t tell me, “Well, the terrorists know their bags are going to be searched, so now they’re leaving their bombs at home.” There are no bombs! The whole thing is fuckin’ pointless’

And it’s completely without logic. There’s no logic at all. They’ll take away a gun but let you keep a knife. Well, what the fuck is that? In fact, there’s a whole list of lethal objects they allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chain saw, six knitting needles and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they would say to you is, “That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you.”

And if you didn’t take a weapon on board, relax. After you’ve been flying for about an hour, they’re gonna bring you a knife and fork! They actually give you a fucking knife. It’s only a table knife, but you could kill a pilot with a table knife. It might take a couple of minutes.

Especially if he’s hefty. But you could get the job done. If you really wanted to kill the prick. Shit, there are a lot of things you could use to kill a guy. You could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times, couldn’t you? Suppose you just have really big hands. Couldn’t you strangle a flight attendant? Shit, you could probably strangle two of them, one with each hand. That is, if you were lucky enough to catch ‘em in that little kitchen area. Just before they break out the fuckin’ peanuts. But you could get the job done. If you really cared enough.

So why is it they allow a man with big, powerful hands to get on board an airplane? I’ll tell you why. They know he’s not a security risk, because he’s already answered the three big questions. Question number one: “Did you pack your bags yourself?”

“No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around-the-world and then packed my bags. Next question.” “Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?”

“No. Usually the night before I travel-just as the moon is rising-I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck. Next question.”

“Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?”

“Well, what exactly is an ‘unknown person’? Surely everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Youssef Ali ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.”

And that’s another thing they don’t like at the airport. Jokes. You can’t joke about a bomb. Well, why is it just jokes? What about a riddle? How about a limerick? How about a bomb anecdote? You know, no punch line, just a really cute story. Or suppose you intended the remark not as a joke but as an ironic musing? Are they prepared to make that distinction? I think not! And besides, who’s to say what’s funny?

Airport security is a stupid idea. It’s a waste of money and it’s there for only one reason: to make white people feel safe. That’s all it’s for. To provide a feeling, an illusion, of safety in order to placate the middle class. The authorities know they can’t make airplanes safe; too many people have access. You’ll notice that drug smugglers don’t seem to have a lot of trouble getting their little packages on board, do they? No. And God bless them, too.

And by the way, an airplane flight shouldn’t be completely safe. You need a little danger in your life. Take a fuckin’ chance, will ya? What are you gonna do, play with your prick for another 30 years? Are you gonna read People and eat at Wendy’s till the end of time? Take a fuckin’ chance! Besides, even if they made all of the airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would simply start bombing other places that are crowded: pawnshops, crack houses, titty bars and gang bangs. You know, entertainment venues. The odds of your being killed by a terrorist are practically zero. So I say, relax and enjoy the show.

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Ya gotta be a realist: Certain groups of people–Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana–are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. That’s the reality. Angry men in combat fatigues talking to God on a two-way radio and muttering incoherent slogans about freedom are eventually going to provide us with a great deal of entertainment.

Especially after your stupid fuckin’ economy collapses all around you, and the terrorists come out of the woodwork. And you’ll have anthrax in the water supply and sarin gas in the air conditioners; there’ll be chemical and biological suitcase bombs in every city, and I say, “Relax, enjoy it! Enjoy the show! Take a fuckin’ chance. Put a little fun in your life.” To me, terrorism is exciting. I think the very idea that someone might set off a bomb in Macy’s and kill several hundred people is exciting and stimulating, and I see it as a form of entertainment!

But I also know most Americans are soft, frightened, unimaginative people who have no idea there’s such a thing as dangerous fun. And they certainly don’t recognize good entertainment when they see it. I have always been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the sake of entertainment. And I’ve always been willing to put you at great personal risk for the same reason.

As far as I’m concerned, all of this airport security–the cameras, the questions, the screening, the searches–is just one more way of reducing your liberty and reminding you that they can fuck with you any time they want, as long as you’re willing to put up with it. Which means, of course, any time they want. Because that’s the way Americans are now. They’re always willing to trade away a little of their freedom for the feeling, the illusion–of security.

—–
Yeah, he said it last May, Before. But he’s still pretty accurate. Take a fuckin chance! I love George Carlin. This was in his book Napalm And Silly Putty and I loved it then too. George Carlin ranting is full-on comedy gold. So to sum up:

-Excited to see Scooter
-Excited to take a plane trip
-Excited to eat airline peanuts
-Dreading the airports (of which there are three)

I’m feeling really lonesome right now. I leave Thursday to go to Connecticut to hang out with Scooter for a week. He’s been gone for two weeks now, and I’m SO done being home alone ALL the time. It’s just sad right here. I’m lonesome and I don’t want to be here anymore all by myself. I’m really missing Liplash right now because he’d be here as much as possible spending time with me and making me laugh and forget that I am here all by myself and just how far away Connecticut is. I’m just done, and nobody (of the three people I hang out with regularly) will keep me company. One is sick, one has homework, and one has to work tomorrow. I’m off to bed to see if I can sleep this off. Not being up so late might help me forget I’m headed to a bed that has a stuffed bear and a stuffed kitty in it, and not Scooter.

I’ve seen a bunch of movies lately so I thought I’d go on about them.

The Way We Were: This movie made me feel cranky and unfulfilled. Luckily I rented the special edition so I got to see the scene that would have made all the difference: the boy that liked her in school had given her name to the committee (this was before McCarthyism) on communism. Since she is his wife, now he (as a hollywood screenwriter) can’t get a job either. Well this deleted scene told me a few things. One, that they were married (which wasn’t clear). Two, James Woods turned out to be a super weasel and I wanted to see more of him. Three, now I know why they broke up, and it sort of sad when I know that stuff. So anyway…I don’t like this movie and it’s supposed to be this big deal and everybody likes it and stuff. Whatever! At least with my blockbuster card I got it for free. (:

Dogma: I love this movie. It was fabulous fabulous fabulous. I was amused by a religious movie that showed a kindness, in a way, toward it’s subject (catholicism), even while showing faults. I really liked how it was done, and the sly references to View Askewniverse/church/??? made it fun to keep up with too. And this was a special edition with a whole extra disc of treats. Kevin Smith really gets it. I love that. He knows that as a movie geek I want all this goofy stuff and he delivers in spades. It rules. Cardinal Glick, Buddy Christ, the SW reference, all of it. I don’t know how to put it any better than I already have. Kevin Smith gets it. That’s the highest compliment I can pay him. Like he cares about me and my stupid lj. (:

The Others: VERY good movie. I can’t recommend it enough if you don’t mind a few jump out and scare you moments. It was creepy, and it was cool, and it was a gorgeous movie. Even if you don’t like the movie, watch with the sound off. It’s a beautiful film to look at, even if you hate the plot or whatever. I thought this was a fantastic movie for a number of reasons. Mostly I like that it wasn’t a stupid film. The director gives the audience some credit for being able to follow along. That is one of my favorite kinds of movies. Memento, Pulp Fiction, The Others, they all presume you have a lick of sense. So much of what I see anymore doesn’t do that. Not being the person you have to dumb down for, I really appreciate it when someone decides to get out their cohones and say no, the audience can keep up, I’m doing it my way. I like that.

I’m The One That I Want: A concert by Margaret Cho, a woman after my own heart. A fag hag with a sharp tongue and a fearless sensibility. She’ll talk about absolutely anything, and while it may horrify you at first, or make you sad, the next thing she says will crack you up. It’s fantastic. She talks about her mom, her failed tv show, her family, and everything else. This was amazing because she weaves comedy into this amazing story of how she got to be where she is and not all of it is funny. She’s fabulous in so many ways. I really like her and I can’t wait to see more of her stuff.

Life As A House: I really liked this for a few reasons. My biggest reason was relief. It gave me hope that if Hayden Christensen is given something interesting to do, he is a very capable actor. He had maybe 10 minutes in Ep 2 that I thought were interesting and worthwhile. Mostly the rest of his scenes made me cringe. I’m glad that he actually has some acting ability. I was so afraid George made the wrong choice with him. But I saw a very compelling character in Life As A House. I think that if he was given the right material he could really pull it off. Now the burning question is whether or not George will hand off enough of the nuts and bolts writing to give me a compelling movie. Granted, Ep 2 is better than 1, but that doesn’t make it right. But that’s a rant for another time.

I think that’s all the movies I’ve seen lately. Oh, and Scooby-Doo. It fully rocked. I loved it. They got it right. I’m terribly excited about so many things that are so geeky on a deep deep level, I think that Scooter is sometimes a little afeared of me because of how I go off on certain things. I gotta get to bed. Latar!

I’m off on a company sponsored conjugal visit later this week and I need to get on a regular sleep schedule. getting to bed at 5am is probably not the best way to do that.

However! As a result of my sleeplessness, I was on IRC very late and I got a really good marinade recipe for steak from a mac support channel. That was cool, at least. I need to go be productive for at least an hour. I’ll probably have more to say then.

I found this on the net (imagine that!) and I thought I’d share it with those of you who enjoy reading the sw refs in my lj.

—–

Sunscreen, good. No sunscreen, bad. Rest of advice, based on years of Jedi teaching experience, yeees! This advice, I dispense now…
(music starts)
Enjoy the power and beauty of the Force. Understand the Force, you WILL NOT until you have used it.
Fabulous is how you look. Fat as Jabba The Hutt you are not!
Worry not about the dark side. Worrying is as effective as trying to stick C-3PO together with bubble gum. heh heh heh heh heh!
Do one thing every day that would scare even Darth Maul! Yeeees.
Floss.
Waste time not at Mos Eiseley. In the end, hung over you will be! Yeeees.
Kind to your lightsaber be. For when it is gone, miss it you will.
Dance.
Even if you have nowhere to do it but your own swamp on Dagobah!
Beauty mags read you not! Make you feel ugly and green they will, yes!
Just one minute you wait! what is wrong with being ugly and green I ask? hmm?
Get to know your father. You neeeever know if Darth Vader he will be!
Live on ice planet Hoth once, but leave before hard it makes you.
Live on Naboo once, but leave before soft it makes you.
Travel at light speed! But make sure hyperdrive works.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Luke and Leia…related they are!
Wookies shed all over the furniture, they will.
And sound a lot like Grover on Sesame Street I do!
Respect Mace Windu! Very good in pulp Fiction he was. Yeees.
With your hair, mess not, or by the time you’re 800, one thousand it will look!
Be careful of advice…and Boba Fett.
But trust you me on the sunscreen.

I was watching Moby earlier on the Late Show (that makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?) and it was really cool to see. He was playing guitar and singing. He was smiling too. People in his band were smiling too. It reminded me of every single time (seven, I think) I’ve seen Barenaked Ladies in concert. They will be playing, and catch each other’s eye, and they smile. It happens a lot. And when I do that, whether it’s with Scooter or J.Ro or whoever, it’s usually me having so much fun or so genuinely enjoying what it is I’m up to right now that I can’t help but smile like that. That was the first thing that struck me when I saw BNL the first time. Look at them smile at each other! That’s so cool, they’re all so happy to be up there that they just grin like idiots the entire time. I’m not saying they’re idiots, just that it’s a very particular variety of smile. It’s such a good feeling to smile that smile, and it’s almost as good a feeling to catch someone else smiling it.

I really liked seeing that, and it reminded me that there are still people out there who get to do something that they truly love to do. It gave me hope that maybe someday I’ll have a job like that again, a job that makes me smile that same smile. I sure hope so.

I went to Gay Pride yesterday downtown. Watched the parade and went through the festival area with food and info booths and stuff. It was fun, but mostly because I ran into a few people I haven’t seen in ages who were genuinely happy to see me and it was nice to feel like people appreciated me and were glad I was still around. Scooter had to go to Connecticut for three weeks (again) so I have been trying to find ways to amuse myself till he comes home (again). Part of that was why I went to Pride, and part of it was because I was hoping to see people I don’t get to see otherwise. I had a lot of fun, and I’m glad I went. (:

So I went to see Scooby-Doo today, with Josh and his brother. It was fun. I enjoyed it a lot more than I probably should have, but it was happy and good. I really liked it. I didn’t mean to like it, but it just sort of happened. It was a lot of fun.

-Me and Josh and JeffRo driving around the wes’ saheedah listening to Green Day and hollering “She’s killllllliiiiiiinnnn meeeeeee” really loud.

-JeffRo and I driving around the wes’ saheedah listening to gigi d’agostino with all the windows down and heading back to my house to bestow some pr0n upon Scooter.

-Liplash and I standing in the parking lot of the dollar store by his old apartment and having an entire conversation in Linda Richmond voices that was the whole first verse of Basket Case.

-Me and my brother in the back seat of the Oldsmobile (that I later scratched backing out of the garage) drawing a line down the middle of the car and establishing our own territory.

-My brother singing “River Of Dreams” by Billy Joel but only knowing like two lines and just making the rest up.

-Staying with my aunt the night her horse foaled. Annie-Boo just passed away recently, and it was sad to me because I was there when she was born.

-working at the Beanery in Corvallis and getting tipped a pair of earrings.

-Having breakfast at Lorn & Dottie’s and my brother making sure we got taken care of.

-My brother buying me a ticket to the Super Diamond show with his own money (not hitting up my mom for it) for my birthday so we could go together.

-My dad taking me to see Motley Crue and letting me drive most of the way there.

-Driving far faster than I should have been and playing Faith No More in my mom’s Oldsmobile

-Spending most of a long exceptionally warm night trying to get comfy and not stick to myself at the same time.

I was noticing cars recently. When you don’t drive you get to notice a lot of stuff from the window to your right. It’s interesting to me to attach the driver of the car to the back of the car itself. I’m guessing that back in the day, I was a pretty interesting driver to roll up to if you got a good look at the back of my car (Dead Kennedys ‘I don’t care about you fuck you’ sticker, Question Authority, Apple, and Airwalk) and then got a load of me in freckles and pigtails. It’s fun to see the face attached to that rainbow sticker or to drive up to some pickup with the No Fear and the kid peeing on the (car maker) logo and see that it’s some older man in a suit with slightly graying hair. (That’s actually happened) I also notice that the vast majority of cars (around here anyway) aren’t bestickered at all. And it isn’t like a tattoo where it’s there forever until some sort of “laser” removes it for you. I mean, it’s a razor blade and 15 minutes, for sobbing out loud! My million dollar idea would be that you can have the option of like, a clear plastic bumper cover that detaches so you can put whatever stickers you want under there but you don’t have to stick them and you can change them as often as you want. Like those places that put the different stuff all under glass (I’ve seen it in restaurants and my two favorite record stores) whether it’s notices or info or just decoration. If people could do that maybe it would cause more free expression. Or find a way to put a bumper sticker in a sealed pocket with a superstrong magnetic back so you aren’t limited to just the bumper. That would rock.

And speaking of free expression, I found this website recently and I got a kick out of it. I don’t think that’s why we’re bombing a third world country even further back in time, but I do think it’s interesting that they’ve been allowed to continue considering their domain.

In other news, I just picked up my Stand By Me: Special Edition the other day and it reminded me of a bunch of stuff. So much in fact, that it will be a complete other post. I also got the George Michael video collection, The Muppet Movie (!!!), American Beauty, Tron, and The Fox & The Hound. I still need Princess Bride, Better Off Dead, Memento, and Brain Candy. But Better Off Dead and Brain Candy don’t come out for another month yet. I have been considering picking up the other Trilogy as well: 16 Candles, Pretty In Pink, & The Breakfast Club. I didn’t realize how much those movies were a part of my life until I saw Not Another Teen Movie the other day (highly enjoyable, as was my other rental, 200 Cigarettes) and was watching with J.Ro who hasn’t seen any of them. It makes me understand why sometiems I say stuff that he just doesn’t get. Oh yeah, I need Ferris Bueller too. I wonder if anyone actually named their kids Ferris after that movie. He’s probably in the same class as the kid who got Anakin as a middle name. They could both be HS graduates right now. Yikes. I’m off to age and bitch about how good things used to be, I guess…

Here’s the blurb I got with the little web badge:

Congratulations, You’re Micky Dolenz!

From afro to bald in 30 years or less, you were famous for being the funny one with the big hair (dig those curls!). You also sang lead on most of the hits like “I’m a Believer” and “Mary Mary”.
Before being a Monkee you used to ride a Bimbo around the town. NOT THAT KIND. Bimbo was an elephant in the tv show “Circus Boy”. A young you starred as a kid who was being raised by a circus. You also had several bands before you finally hit it big.
Although you didn’t start out playing the drums, you learned as you went and are a decent drummer nowadays. You used to play the guitar but they thought Peter and Mike should get those. Life ain’t fair, is it? Today, you direct, paint and raise your kids.
You have always had a little Monkee in you and have always embraced your inner-monkeedom…even when the little one gets on your nerves. If you hadn’t become a household name you would have probably went into Physics. You’re pretty smart and you study in your spare time. You’ve always been interested in the cosmos. Face it, you rock!

it’s never a good sign when you call tech support on your large kitchen appliance and the first person says ‘oh. um….let me transfer you to support’ and when you get support on the phone and tell them the issue they go ‘whoa! really?’

Well, I’m off to bed. I just wanted to say that it was nice to slack about the house today, even though I did get some stuff done, which was cool because I never seem to when I’m supposed to. And I finished a book, started another, folded a buncha towels, and other miscellaneous tasks. Tomorrow is one of JeffRo’s days off so we’re going to slack about tomorrow. I was going to invite Josh if I thought he’d go. So I’m off to txt him and JeffRo and then to go get some ScooterSnuggles. (:

Earlier tonight I had a cool AIM conversation with jonmc who is on MeFi and very cool. I like him. He told me he liked my lj, which helped some. Hearing that people like to read it makes it more fun to write. (:

So there you go. I’m off to bed now. OH! one last thing: I was watching TNG on TNN (I know I know) and they play the little voicemail messages at the end of the show. this woman goes “And Wesley Crusher! break me off a piece o’ that! raaaaooowrr!!!” I could have died. Luckily nobody else was watching (in my vicinity) so they couldn’t accuse me of being the one that left the message. Anyway. g’night!

:: how jedi are you? ::

I guess that’s cool. It means I’m not green and wrinkly! (:

here’s the thing: JeffRo and I (and sometimes Scooter) have now made it all the way through the first season of Queer As Folk and we have taken a bit from here and a bit from there and assimilated it into daily life. Anyway. I knew the below test had to be out there somewhere and of course it was and of course I’m Emmett. So there you go. JeffRo’s exact words when I AIM’ed him the test? “Looks like we’re both Emmies, dear.”

JeffRo is faboorus. Thank you; that is all.

find your queer as folk personality!

You Are Emmett Honeycutt!This Mississippi native is out, proud and fabulous. With his see-through tops, and shame-resistant slacks, Emmett has to be voted the “Most-Likely-To-Stop-Traffic” on Liberty Avenue. But if you look beyond his queerlicious wardrobe and witty repartee, this “retail queen” is also a man of integrity and an observer of human nature who truly enjoys offering advice to anyone who needs it, whether they ask for it or not.